Master Crossfitters’ guide to using Preparation H

Ha! Made ya click!

Who wouldn’t read a blog with that headline? But seriously, this is a problem all of us will experience: Ripped hands.

You’re going to be doing pull-ups someday and your hands will feel a little uncomfortable. Kinda hot and stingy. You look at them and notice some of the skin is kind of bunched up where your fingers meet your palm.

Preparation H (Photo credit: MarkjwuMaurader)

But it doesn’t hurt too much so you keep going and BAM! You just ripped the skin off your hand.

At first there will be sympathy: “Oh, man. That sucks.” “Wow, that had to hurt.” “Bummer.” “Ouch” “Are you okay?” Then you will hear stories of how others ripped the skin off their hands. It’s kind of a rite of passage or hazing for Crossfitters.

Finally, you will hear a litany of weird remedies: Diaper cream. Chapstick. Neosporin. BandAids. No BandAids. Tea bags. Udder cream. And on and on.

One thing you DO NOT want to do, unless you’re into intense pain, is put liquid BandAid on a ripped hand. On the 1-10 pain scale, it’s easily a 15. Right up there with childbirth, although it doesn’t last as long.

My solution: Preparation H. I kid you not. Of all the remedies I have tried, Preparation H works the best for pain relief and healing ripped hands. Don’t use the Preparation H cream. Use the ointment. Trim the remnant skin around the wound and then slather on Preparation H. Cover with a bandage.

Remember the father in that movie “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” who sprayed Windex on any ailment? That’s how I am with Preparation H.  I put it on all boo-boos – cracked cuticles,  scratches from rough-housing with the dog and bloody shins, another Crossfit rite of passage caused by botching a box jump.

However, there is a downside to Preparation H: It’s Preparation H.

It’s not for boo-boos. It’s for hemmeroids. No one wants to know that you have hemmeroids and they especially do not want to hear how you treat yours. Even buying Preparation H is embarassing – like buying tampons. So, here are my three easy suggestions on the best way to acquire and use Preparation H.

1. Do not buy Preparation H if it is the only thing you are buying. Standing in line with a box of Preparation H can be very awkward. Instead, purchase Preparation H during a major grocery shopping event. When your cart is almost full, throw a box of Preparation H in the mix. No one will notice it among all the bacon in your cart.

2. Do not, under any circumstances, screw the long pointy applicator with the little holes onto the tube. That applicator makes a statement that you don’t want to make. Just put the pointy applicator in a drawer in case you ever need it. Always, always, always use the little screw cap that came on the tube.

3. Because you will need to reapply the ointment throughout the day, you must take some Preparation H with you. However, leaving a tube of Preparation H on your desk at work, especially if you have violated #2 and screwed on the pointy applicator, will make you the butt of a lot of embarrassing jokes. My recommendation is to buy a very small container, like an empty Carmex lip balm jar, and put some in there. Just don’t forget and put Preparation H on your lips.

And there you have it! The appropriate way to acquire and use Preparation H. In my next installment of Crossfit handcare, we will learn about emory boards and razors!